&#*#*%(#_(_!!!! [entries|friends|calendar] Jessica [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[04 Jun 2007|05:58pm] i love you. i miss you. you were there when others werent. you were there to captivate me in your arms and kiss me on the forehead and tell me everything was going to be okay. what ever happened to that? im missing you so much i wish i could tell you all of this i wish so bad i could. but i cant lose my dignity. i cant lose my pride. you need to miss me. and i dont know if you do. i hope you do. i really hope you do. ♥

rainbowz [26 Mar 2007|07:25pm] im out of the clozet, lo0o0olz0orz that was amanda btw. ♥

[07 Feb 2007|07:38pm] i hardly ever go on this god damn thing anymore. for some reason it feels better to me to let my emotions slide my hand across that fucking paper as im going insane inside my mind trying to find the words to better say it out of my mouth with. im crazy. im a nut job and there is no way to get me out of my old ways, i hear it every day and i think thats whats driving me this way. i love drugs and the way i feel when im on them and i dont think ill ever kick the way i feel on them for awhile...its hard to stop myself and sometimes i think how i can ever. i think..."jessica maybe you really do need help". but it scares me; it scares me that id ever let myself get this way, looking foward to each next high. its pathetic. and when i think about it it makes me sick. it would be so fucking hard for me to stop, stop who i see every day of my life; what i do. i cannot isolate myself like that and i cant just quite my friends. i love them to death and i dont know what id do alone. the thought of being alone hurts even worse than the thought of me being addicted. help me. help me. help me. ♥

[28 Dec 2006|11:26pm] oh god well ive been very confused with these boys lately i dont know what to do. i have like three on my mind and one is very iffy to if he will stay on my mind for long. it was just a fuck. and now i probably have herpes or something. these two other boys...hmm one is a no but i can still look and be excited when i talk to him, and the other one has been a question mark for months and months and i love him to death. he makes me feel beautiful. i want him to be more than just a friend because i can totally see that. but what the fuck are with these mind games? i think if i sat down to tell you the whole story between me and this man it would take me about a whole day to explain this and to ask you on your opinion. ugh i think i basically just need the perfect guy for me who cares and shows it. HELLO BRING ME THIS PERFECT LEETOLE MAN FOR ME, BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD HAS ONE EXCEPT ME. FUCK YOU. ♥

[05 Nov 2006|02:39pm] wow. my aunt is going to die. they didnt come out and say it. but she has a blood clot near her heart now and the drain they put into her head is not working. so much this woman has been through just so she can live, and now we will find out it was worth nothing except suffering on this earth for just a bit longer. all we need right now is a miracle. which i dont have faith in, i dont know who or what i have faith in anymore. i dont see my close friends anymore, it seems as if they have someone new in their life now. god dammnit sometimes i feel like im at an absolute low and then im at an absolute high. i got my job which i love which put me up and now i hear this shit right before i have to work a double today. i need something extraordinary to happen. i need my friends to be here for me when i need them. there is so much i have inside my head i wish i could say to them but its just a waste of breathe. i need something extraordinary to happen. dont tell me your here for me because if you really were you'd be HERE for me. fuck you. 1 | ♥

[24 Oct 2006|12:24am] blah life is so fucked up sometimes. my grandma's husband is dying right now, and i feel horrible because she said to my dad "i dont want to do this again". she doesnt want to witness him dying and going down the drain like she had to do with my grandpa, we are all so worried. and my aunt isnt getting better, the doctors said she isnt healing right and there is fluid building up in her brain, its been almost 2 weeks since she has had her removal operation and now they are going back in to put a drain into her head. my dad just told me its not even that they are worried about they hope it doesnt spread anywhere else in the body, i think about her everyday, i think about how great of a person she is and how much i love her, how upset i am seeing her in this condition and how much i would give just to make her better. my moms sisters are all so close and i dont know what they would do if one passed away. my aunt pat is flying up from Florida wednesday or thursday to see her. i cant wait to see my aunt pat, she is also such a great person, over the summer in maryland we got so close and she is such a fun person. i cant deal with this depressing news in my life, i just want everyone to be okay and everything to just disappear like it never even came up. i love my family and friends so much and having this in my life makes me think about how much i love them everyday. please i hope this turns out okay please please please please ♥

[19 Oct 2006|10:58pm] right now im feeling pretty content with how things are going in my life besides the job part, hopefully ill get that call tomorrow which would make me the happiest person ever. ive been losing weight and keeping my body in shape,i just wish i didnt smoke as much as i did, ill smoke then ill notice the next day when i run i feel like dying. i havent been hanging out with a very diverse group of friends lately like how i was over the summer, i dont see people as much anymore, i guess because of the fact that they all work their asses off and school started. i miss some of those people who brightened up my summer, i need to make plans to see these people asap. i finally got to look at my progress report, i was thinking it was really bad but it was actually extremely good, my dad was so happy with me. they have been letting me drive alot lately so driving is getting to be something i dont even think of really, it just comes along by itself. its weird looking at myself now and thinking, wow soon ill be off on my own, its scary. christmas is here shortly, which makes me think of me as still a little kid because of how excited i get, its not even the getting presents and shit, its the whole holiday spirit that makes me happy, except snow blehh. ♥

[13 Oct 2006|08:48pm] blah im sick of being in this house for fucking up and doing stupid shit. i have ISS monday, so im going to draw everyone i love pretty pictures. my clothes finally came in the mail today and they are sexy. im working out alot and its bringing my mood up. my mom told me today it looks like a lost weight and usually shes the last one to compliment me. today was kinda more interesting than the rest, we had a pep rally so therefore i didnt go because ive gone the last two years and today was just not one of those days when i feel peppy. :D so i came home and slept from like 2-5 and now i feel like i have the most energy in the world. ugh i wish i could see my friends. tomorrow i might have to go to the hospital with my parents to visit my aunt again, its not that i dont want to see her, dont get me wrong i love her to death but thats the problem, i dont want to see her like that, how she looked was not how i want to remember her, i remember walking into the room and seeing her and not even being able to recognize her, it was like she was a baby all over again, everyone around her taking care of her while she just layed there, i dont even know if she could really realize i was there and take it all in, i remember kissing her and she felt like bones, like she was dead like there was no life to her. we're all hoping she is okay, REALLY hoping, she might be, who knows, shes been through so much shit and i think id do anything to take it all back, my moms sisters and our family are so close, i dont know how i can deal with seeing her. she asked my mom to bring her triple scoop ice cream, maybe ill go just to see that smile on her face. 1 | ♥

[05 Oct 2006|08:18pm] well today was quite an interesting day. i went to school and layed in the nurses office for two periods and she couldnt get intouch with my mom to let me go home on the 8th period bus so shes like go back to class. then i left on the bus anyway and my teacher is going to write me up. then my dad brought me to get my permit at the dmv in medford. i passed and let me tell you that some people just dont shower and smell real bad,and some kids are gothic and walk real funny so i burst out laughing and everyone looks at me and smiles. then we were driving to sallys to get my dye for my hair after waiting in the dmv for 2 hours.i saw a mexican riding a bicicleta with no shoes on in like 50 degree weather, which made me laugh. we got me dye and some fat old bitch was really mean to me bc i didnt buy a brush with my dye so she gave me the biggest attitude and i bugged out to my dad and he said shes wearing a wig so i wouldnt trust her anyway. we ate dinner and i saw my student teacher from my history class there, it was akward so i just pretended i didnt know it was him. i came home and dyed my hair. it came out alot different than i thought it was, i dont know yet if i like it or not so im convincing myself i do like it so i wont get upset and cry. its like dark dark redish brown, its doesnt look bad and its a nice color for the winter but i wish i had blonde hair again so bad. thats the only thing that makes me upset. tomorrow i want to touch a certain someone in an inappropriate place because thats how sluts roll on friday nights duh. ♥

[19 Sep 2006|05:26pm] i never update this so for once im going to do it. the new livejournal homepage really pisses me off. anyways, today i realized how ive been feeling lately, ive been feeling a weird sense of paranoia about everyone and everything around me, i feel like my friends get annoied with me and that they dont want me around. sometimes i feel like nobody wants me around. i think about my friends and feel like they have a list of friends and to every one of them im at the bottom or something, like everyone else is more worthy of their time. they have have their best friend and i feel like i dont know if any of them would consider me their best friend. other times i tell myself im crazy but lately i feel like i have no one. sometimes i dont feel like i can be myself infront of certain people, like im insecure about myself. i look in the mirror and see someone who disgusts me. i wish i could stable out my moods because sometimes i say i dont care and other times its the only thing in the world that bothers me. this issue has really been upsetting me lately, this paranoia has held me back from being myself lately. i feel constantly worried that people are going to abandon me and that they arent greatful of my friendship to them. ive also been having ALOT of anxiety lately, ill sit up before i go to school and feel like i cant even go, i cant face these people, and what they think of me and how they think of me, or if they even notice me at all. before the bell rings for class i feel like im going to explode, i feel like just getting up and leaving and being like omg i cant deal with this. sometimes i have to leave class and i go and get up and have to go to the bathroom and look at myself. i feel like i look like someone i dont recognize anymore, i dont know if i even know myself anymore, i wish i could find out what my problem is, why i feel like im worthless and that im not worth anyones time. i have a mess of insecurities and right now i just dont know if they will ever go away. for once i wish i was just happy with myself, and feel confident in myself. 6 | ♥

[23 Jul 2006|03:32pm] i never update this, right now im dying my hair and i hope it comes out looking good or ill have to fucking cry. i miss lauren because the days when theres nothing to do shes always someone that i can find something to do with. shes coming with me to maryland and we're going to get crunk every night and have mad fun. i cant go there without her because then ill be sitting with my boring cousins. and there will be no one to share a bottle of vodka with. its so gorgeous down there in the summer so i hope it doesnt rain or ill be pretty fucking pissed off. 6 days! tonight i was supposed to go to kings park with mike and jen and gfjlkfglfd but idk whats going on with that still, mike has no gas so theres no point. i need a ciggarette and i have none. fuck. ♥

[15 Jul 2006|02:50pm] god. what the fuck i realize more and more every day that people are fucked up in the head and have problems. SHIT people are fucked up. it makes me sick. ♥

[27 Jun 2006|12:31pm] people are fucked up, ive learned who are my real friends and who arent, people can be so fucking fake to your face and then think something totally different about you. im sorry but id rather hear the full truth straight out, it fucking saves me time. thanks. ♥

[21 Jun 2006|06:29pm] that last entry was from lauren. she is mentally challenged ;) ♥

[21 Jun 2006|06:24pm] im a nymphomaniac nigga nigga nigaa nigaa fuck me dirty fuck me hard baby ♥

[14 May 2006|07:17pm] i havent written in this one in awhile. but hmm i guess ive been alot better lately, ive learned alot about myself and ive learned not to care so much about the petty things. fuck medication, its all bullshit and i feel fine without it. maybe i just needed a little time to figure myself out. shit has been only getting better and i like it this way. im gonna take this and run with it. now i can say im a happy person, because i honestly am. 1 | ♥

[28 Feb 2006|06:29pm] right now i kinda feel like dying. ♥

[23 Feb 2006|10:19am] i tend to get let down alot. ♥

[21 Feb 2006|11:21am] happy happy happy happy. ♥

[01 Feb 2006|06:43pm] i want to know who actually READS my journal. let me know who you are. anyways ive been feeling really anxious lately, i dont know why, it doesnt effect my mood but im just like FD hg:jdhdEsj ugh. im so happy though at the same time? i think i know why, but i dont want to reveal why for awhile. also i dont know if thats the only reason? im just a confused girl right now. its not bad though, i guess im trying to figure out whats going on in my head. i think the beginning of january was kinda a time for me to figure out the goals i'd like to achieve this year, or what changes id like to see in myself. i can feel myself changing, hopefully i can keep it up. im trying to turn it around in school, my grades werent as good as they were last year, my gpa last year was like a 92 or maybe even higher. this year im just not doing as well at all. im not sure if its because i had a rough couple of months but i NEED to turn it around. im FORCING myself. sahFSLAfljkfaimsofrustrated, and boys and ugh and i dont know im going to fucking climb onto my roof and scream at the top of my lungs, bc its just eating me alive. 3 | ♥

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